Summary: Parental Alienation

As with other mental health problems, our understanding of the disorder and the terms used to describe it have evolved over time. For example, what we now call “post-traumatic stress disorder” was once known as “shell shock.” Because doctors have observed that unreasonably alienated children tend to share a set of attitudes and behaviors, such as expressing only negative thoughts and feelings about the alienated parent, this mental health problem was known in the past as parental alienation syndrome . The term syndrome was used because it refers to a group of mental health symptoms that consistently occur together.

A child’s parental alienation, if left uncorrected, can last a lifetime.

Despite the commonly observed set of behaviors of alienated children, the term parental alienation syndrome fell out of use, especially in family law litigation. Mental health professionals were concerned that when an alienated child displayed these typical behaviors toward one parent, therapists and judges in a child custody case would conclude that the other parent was at fault. Naturally, other factors can damage a child’s relationship with a parent, and therefore it is essential to keep an open mind when looking for the roots of a child’s rejection of a parent.

A3. Parental alienation and adult children

A child’s parental alienation, if left uncorrected, can last a lifetime. Many rejected parents report that their adult children remain distant or completely out of touch. These parents miss important events, such as their children’s college graduation, wedding, and the birth of their grandchildren. Alienated adult children can deprive their own children of their grandparents.

As adults, some formerly alienated children realize that they were manipulated into rejecting a good parent. They finally reconnect with the parent they rejected for so many years, but are angry at the alienating parent who interfered with their ability to give and receive love from a rejected parent and caused them to miss out on many experiences with that parent.

B. Behaviors of parental alienation: turning children into allies in a battle between parents

Most separated and divorced parents understand the importance of protecting their children from marital conflict and do a pretty good job of fulfilling this responsibility.

Some parents, however, lose sight of their children’s need to love and be loved by both parents. Such a parent, sometimes called the (*) “alienating parent”, enlists the children as allies in a battle against the other, sometimes called the “target parent or the alienated parent”.

Through a variety of parental alienation strategies, alienating parents teach children that their other parent is a bad parent who doesn’t really love them, may be dangerous, and doesn’t deserve their trust, affection, or respect. Alienating parents encourage and support children’s defiance and disrespect toward one another and reward children for avoiding contact with the other parent.

Some children feel overwhelmed by one parent’s need for emotional support and become their emotional nurturer by complying with the parent’s wish to belittle the importance of the other parent.

Children who absorb the lessons of hate from an alienating parent are alienated from a previously loved mother or father and often from an entire extended family, leaving rejected relatives bewildered about what they might have said or done to break up. the relationship.

In the most extreme cases, parents who alienate their children against the other parent conspire with the children to even kill the target parent.

How to identify a child suffering from parental alienation

A child’s negative behavior toward a parent is not enough to determine that the child is unreasonably alienated. In making a determination of parental alienation, law enforcement and mental health professionals, and professionals involved in child custody evaluations, consider five factors.

C1. The child resists a relationship with the other parent

The hallmark of parental alienation is the child’s emotional and sometimes physical estrangement from a parent. This can occur to various degrees. The child may spend time in the care of one parent but refuse to become meaningfully involved with the parent, remaining withdrawn; Rejecting the parent’s attempts to communicate, interact, or share enjoyable activities (including meals); despise expressions of affection; and treat the parent in question with disdain.

Alienating parents teach children that their other parent is a bad parent who doesn’t really love them, may be dangerous, and doesn’t deserve their trust, affection, or respect.

The child may spend time at the affected parent’s home alone to steal items and documents, sabotage electronic equipment, or gather evidence by “spying” on the reference parent. While at home, the child may destroy prized possessions, physically assault the parent, or otherwise attempt to cause a dramatic scene that results in complaints of abuse. Or the child may resist contact with the parent, refuse to comply with the court-ordered relationship regimen, or flee from the rejected parent.

For a child’s negative behavior to be considered an expression of parental alienation, the negative behavior must be chronic, frequent, directed at only one parent, occur without showing genuine love for that parent, and be atypical for a child of that age. For example, a child who feels closer to one parent or more comfortable in that parent’s home, but continues to show love and interest in spending time with the other parent, is not alienated.

C2. Loss of a previous positive relationship with the affected parent

In most cases, before the child began to reject the affected parent, they enjoyed a normal relationship. The current alienation of the child contrasts sharply with the past. The child used to show affection and comfort with the father. Now the child claims to hate or fear the alienated parent.

But a previous good relationship does not automatically mean that a child who rejects a parent is unjustified. The rejected parent’s behavior may have deteriorated significantly after the breakup. For example, children may feel anxious or resentful of a parent who has started bad-mouthing the other parent constantly. Instead of aligning with the alienating parent and rejecting the target parent, children want to avoid the parent who makes them feel uncomfortable, which professionals call “blowback.”

If an alienating parent talks badly about the other parent constantly, children can feel anxious and resentful, and may want to avoid hearing bad things about a parent they love.

Also, in some families, a child may be alienated even though a good relationship was never established beforehand. In these families, the child was deprived of sufficient opportunities to see the parent in a positive light, either because he or she was kept out of touch or was taught from an early age that the other parent was not worthy of respect.

C3. The absence of abuse, neglect, or grossly poor parenting

When a child’s rejection is a justified reaction to being severely abused by a parent or witnessing domestic violence, it is not a case of parental alienation.

Children who are chronically abused by a parent may accept parental divorce or family separation as an opportunity to escape the abuse. When these children know that they should no longer spend time with an abusive parent and do not fear retaliation, they may resist or reject contact. This is not parental alienation.

In some families, a child rejecting a parent involves a mix of rational and irrational components. The rejected parent has acted in a way that could reasonably disappoint or anger a child in such a way that the child’s initial reaction is understandable. But with time, the sensitivity of the rejected parent, and adequate support from others, the parent-child relationship would normally recover, unless someone, such as the other parent, fuels the discord and encourages the child to watch a single unfortunate episode. as unforgivable and as a justification for a definitive rupture. In that case, the child’s hostility and disdain are unrelenting, clearly out of proportion to the parent’s infraction, and may jeopardize the parent-child relationship.

All children find things to criticize about their parents. Normally this does not destroy the relationship. Alienated children need help understanding that mistakes don’t define someone and that people, even rejected parents, are more than their mistakes.

In some cases, what appears to be behavior that would justify the child’s rejection is instead a parent’s ineffective response to the child’s alienation. It is not uncommon for a parent who does not understand the child’s confused and hostile behavior to lose patience with the child.

Mental health and legal professionals differentiate cases of parental alienation linked primarily to the behavior of one parent from those linked to both parents by considering when the alienation began, the nature and context of each parent’s behaviors, the child’s attitudes and whether the rejected parent can have good relationships with other children (such as stepchildren).

C4. Behaviors of the alienating parent and allies

In most cases of parental alienation, the alienating parent exhibits a pattern of behavior (not a few isolated instances of insults) that clearly has the potential to damage the child’s relationship with the other parent. In my book on parental alienation, Divorce Poison , I refer to a spectrum of alienating behaviors that range from trash talk to harsh criticism to brainwashing.

In these cases, the alienating parent and allies persistently badmouth the target parent, focus the children’s attention on the target parent’s mistakes, and exaggerate their shortcomings. They hide from children all evidence of the other parent’s love and support. Alienating parents interfere with parent-child contact by scheduling conflicting activities, giving children the option of not spending court-ordered time with the other parent, or usurping this time with frequent calls and texts to reinforce negative attitudes of the children while they are with their other parent.

By never speaking positively about the other parent and by highlighting the negative, an alienating parent manipulates children into rejecting the other parent in the same way that a politician paints an unfavorable picture to alienate voters from his opponent. In some cases, an alienating parent coaches a child to falsely accuse the other parent of physical, emotional, or sexual abuse.

C5. Demeaning attitudes and behaviors towards a parent

According to psychologists who work with parental alienation, children who are unreasonably alienated share certain attitudes and behaviors. Alienated children concentrate on denigrating the parent, rattling off a list of complaints, and treating the parents as if they are worthless and never have been. Many severely alienated children say they wish the parent was dead or just gone.

At the same time, the children do not express guilt or remorse for their obnoxious behavior. Instead, most physically abused children fear their abuser and act subservient and obedient to avoid angering the parent. They do not openly challenge or disrespect the abusive parent.

Unless they accuse a parent of abuse, children who are irrationally alienated usually cannot adequately explain why they reject the parent. They give trivial, sometimes absurd reasons for wanting to break ties. For example, one child said that he no longer wanted to see her mother because she did not like the food that she prepared.

Normally, most children have mixed feelings about their parents. They like certain things and dislike others. Even children who have been physically, sexually, or emotionally abused by a parent cling to memories of good times with that parent, want to see the abuser in a positive light, and often defend the parent to authorities.

In contrast, in the case of parental alienation, irrationally alienated children lack ambivalence toward their parents. They can’t think of anything nice to say about the alienated parent, but they refrain from criticizing the preferred parent (also called favored parent) with whom they align. In parental disputes, children automatically side with their preferred parent against the alienated parent and automatically accept as true the claims of the parent they align with about the affected parent.

As their alienation becomes more entrenched, children reject not only a parent, but also the people, pets, and activities associated with the alienated parent.

In fact, children who are alienated echo the catalog of complaints of the parent they align with, often using similar language even when it includes words and phrases that the child does not fully understand. At the same time, the children insist that they are rejecting the parent on their own initiative and that they have not been influenced by the parent they prefer. This occurs even as observers point to the alienating parent’s obvious manipulations.

As their alienation becomes more entrenched, children reject not only a parent, but also the people, pets, and activities associated with the alienated parent. Mental health professionals refer to this as hate by association or propagation of animus. Relatives who refuse to disapprove of the father are condemned as unworthy of a relationship, as if the child believes that “my enemy’s friend is my enemy.” Tragically, deeply loving relationships with grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins ​​evaporate in an instant.

Hate propagation may be the most obvious sign that a child’s attitudes are unreasonable, because it often occurs without intervening interactions from family members. The last time the girl was with her grandmother, she loved spending time at her house. He now wants nothing to do with her, and her change of attitude could not reflect the treatment her grandmother gave her because there had been no contact or communication since her last visit. Loving one minute, hating the next.

D. Prevention of parental alienation and early intervention

It is easier to mitigate parental alienation before it becomes severe and entrenched. Parents involved in alienating behaviors need to learn how they are harming their children and develop healthier ways of dealing with their disappointment and anger at their former partner. They need to know that their children may resent their insults towards the affected parent and want to avoid being around them: pushback. In some cases, severe alienating behavior may result in restricted, supervised, or temporarily lost contact with children. Learning about such possible negative consequences can help motivate parents to inhibit toxic alienating behavior.

Parents whose children are becoming alienated should maintain contact with the children, except when this raises concerns about the safety of the parent or child. It may be necessary to pursue legal measures, such as asking the court to enforce the relationship regime and perhaps ordering parents and children to attend divorce education programs or counseling.

E. Ten Common Mistakes Affected Parents Should Avoid

Parents with children who are experiencing parental alienation need to learn ways to communicate with their children that do not escalate the problem. Divorce Poison teaches parents how to respond to the negative behavior of children who are alienated and how to avoid these 10 common mistakes that make things worse.

1. Don’t lose your temper, act too aggressively or harshly criticize your children.
2. Don’t counter your kids by telling them that if they don’t want to see you, you don’t want to see them.
3. Don’t passively allow the kids and your ex to dictate the terms of your contact with them. Don’t wait patiently until children “cool off” or feel that “it’s the right time” for them to see you. Alienated parents learn too late that the time is never right.
4. Don’t waste your time with children trying to talk them out of their negative attitudes. Instead, engage in pleasant, conflict-free interactions.
5. Don’t dismiss children’s feelings or tell them they aren’t really angry or afraid of you. Although this may be true, children may feel that you do not understand them.
6. Don’t accuse children of simply repeating what the other parent has told them. Again, while this may be true, children will vehemently deny it and feel attacked by you.
7. Don’t talk bad about your ex.
8. Don’t demand apologies from your children for past disrespectful behavior. Focus on your relationship in the present and the future.
9. Don’t insist on setting the record straight about past false accusations as a precondition for moving on. Children do not need to agree that you were falsely defamed. This can make them unduly anxious around you and backfire.
10. Don’t be averse to getting legal help to enforce contact expectations with your children and rescue them from a toxic parenting environment.

F. How a family court can help with parental alienation

Parents involved in proceedings in a family court (Juzgado de Paz or de Primera Instancia in Paraguay), including high-conflict divorce cases and child custody litigation, sometimes learn about parental alienation in a short educational program mandated by the court. Helps when the court makes and enforces detailed orders about parenting time and court-ordered treatment.

Losing a parent is a tragedy in a child’s life. We should do everything possible to avoid the tragedy of parental alienation.

Time-bound, structured counseling for parents and psychoeducational programs for the entire family can help prevent parental alienation or decrease mild levels of alienating behaviors. Structured counseling teaches parents and children skills to deal with and reduce conflict.

The family court may appoint a parenting coordinator to help parents involved in high-conflict co-parenting better manage disputes, understand their children’s needs, and protect healthy parent-child relationships.

The video, Welcome Back, Pluto: Understanding, Preventing, and Overcoming Parental Alienation , has helped many children resist alienation while learning to stay out of disputes between their parents. Some professionals who provide family therapy show children and parents a few sections at a time during family therapy sessions. In some child custody cases, the judge asks or orders the parents to watch the video. A parenting coordinator can have parents watch the video to improve their ability to keep their children out of parental disagreements.

Overcoming a more severe alienation usually requires legal intervention. The family court may place alienated children in the custody of the rejected parent and authorize that parent to obtain specialized help for the children, such as attending a Family Bridgesworkshop . In some cases, the court temporarily suspends the children’s contact with an alienating parent, essentially quarantining the parent to protect the children from further exposure to negative influences that may thwart their progress in healing the relationship with the other. father. This is sometimes called the period of protective separation from the alienating parent and the period of restorative contact with the alienated parent.

An alienating parent and the alienated children may oppose such efforts to overcome the problem, arguing that separating the children from the parent they prefer, even if the court determines that their preference was the result of psychologically abusive manipulation, will traumatize the children. There is no scientific basis for such a prediction, and most mental health professionals believe it is essential to rescue children from a toxic process that could cost them a loving relationship with a parent and the parent’s relatives and cause them to suffer from for life. No study has found that children regret being reunited with a good and loving parent.

Losing a parent is a tragedy in a child’s life. We must do everything we can to prevent the tragedy of parental alienation and help children recover from lasting psychological damage. The family court can help.

Bron: Richard A. Warshak

G. Where to get more information on parental alienation

Material on this website

Child & Family Blog Article : Parental Alienation Is Child Abuse, Say Child Development Researchers.

More author resources

For more information please visit my official website: https://warshak.com/index.html

This popular website offers many resources to help parents, legal and mental health professionals understand, cope with, and overcome parental alienation and deal with child custody issues. Website Divorce Poison Control Center outlines remedies for alienated children; tips for working with attorneys, evaluators, and therapists; antidotes to the poison of divorce; and tips on how to start helpful conversations with reluctant kids.

The website also includes a list of movies, TV shows, and books that teach children how to overcome unreasonable alienation from a parent. You’ll also find links to online and community support groups and other resources that offer help for alienated children and their parents.

Welcome Back, Pluto: Understanding, Preventing, and Overcoming Parental Alienation is a powerful video for families dealing with potential or actual parental alienation. The video teaches children and teens how and why to avoid taking sides with one parent against the other, and encourages children and adults to reestablish positive relationships with parents and other family members.